(Below is a DUI poem we created in the spirit of the holiday. As a warning, it contains a few instances of course language. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!)
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the bar
Many creatures were stirring, with more arriving by car.
The patrons were laughing and talking with friends
All hoping that this night would never end.
The bartenders were busy, but they didn’t mind,
The tips were flowing in, people were being kind.
The night before had been slow, hardly a patron around
But tonight’s scene was different, not an empty seat to be found!
Then somewhere in the bar there arose such a clatter,
The bartender sprang from the back to see what was the matter.
The crowd murmured quietly as the circled to see,
What made such a noise, oh what could it be?
There on the floor laid such an odd sight.
Twas Billy, a young patron, who didn’t look quite right.
As he arose to his feet, his balance he lost.
It was clear that Billy had had his shit tossed.
Despite some concerns, Billy said he was fine.
How did he get this drunk, ’twas only ten past nine?
Even though his last drink had tied his stomach in knots
He whistled, and shouted, ‘Hey let’s do some shots!’
“First Jager and Jack, then how ’bout some So-Co!
Then Fireball and Lemon Drops, it’s about to get loco!”
After downing the shots, his stomach rebuked,
And Billy ran to the bathroom, for he had to puke.
Enough of his hijinks, the bartenders had
They cut him off, and Billy was sad.
Woe turned to rage, and his anger they felt
“Screw this,” Billy yelled, “I’ll go somewhere else.”
So he paid off his tab and snatched up his keys,
Hoping to make it to the next bar by 9:33.
Billy’s friends tried to explain that he should take a cab
But Billy, poor Billy, didn’t listen to their gab.
He threw on his coat and left with a shout,
“I’ll take my money elsewhere, see ya, peace out.”
He got in his car, and began down the road
Where there sat a cop, lo and behold.
Despite his best efforts, Billy rolled through a stop,
And out behind him, there came the cop.
Billy pulled over, and threw in some gum
Hoping the cop would be fooled – how dumb!
His eyes were bloodshot, and speech it was slurred
The cop could tell he was drunk when Billy uttered his first word!
Next came the breathalyzer, and what did it show?
Billy’s BAC was an impressive 0.30!
The cop grabbed his handcuffs, round Billy’s hands the were placed.
Then Billy tried to run, and his dumbass got maced.
In the back of the cop car, he spoke not a sound,
As the officer began the short drive downtown.
When he arrived he was fingerprinted and thrown in a cell
And Billy wondered, ‘Is this a dream? Is it hell?’
But alas, it was not, and Billy did wail
Christmas Eve wasn’t fun when it’s spent in a jail.
Then next day he awoke, hungover but alive,
Then the cop told him he faced three to five.
So heed this little warning, and don’t drink and drive
It’s not worth the risk, and some don’t survive.
If you drink, call an Uber, or in cuffs you might squirm,
And if you end up in trouble, call Appelman Law Firm.
